Letting Go

I think it has finally happened.

I’ve written here previously about my experiences of grieving for my best mate, who died suddenly ten years ago.

There have been a few false starts, when I have thought to myself I’ve moved on only to be confronted by another wave of grief.

A couple of years ago I told him, out loud, I’ve let you go, I’m ready for new friendships now, which felt somewhat liberating, but again, grief didn’t quite release me from its grip.

This time, however, it feels real.

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Without any effort, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been thinking about him as much, which isn’t to say I’ve forgotten him (I haven’t and never will) but I do feel different now.

I feel more like the old me, or perhaps an older, wiser version of me, instead of the walking wounded.

Of course, this could be another false start, or the optimism of a new year just beginning, but I don’t think so.

It could also be jetlag talking; I am sitting here writing this at four in the morning, having had flown home from America the day before yesterday. It always gets me like this; I am fine the day after returning, then boom the second night it hits me.

Sorry, I digress.

Dare I say it? I think I have finally let him go.

5 comments

  1. Dear Matthew, it is only right that you “let go” of your grief. Best of luck in your new future. It’s been 12 years for my husband’s death on January 9th, and I find a quiet peace. I was torn, so often, with the thought that I may have, somehow, caused it. I am, however, not yet at peace with the death of my only child 3-1/2 years ago. Having my only grandson/wife/child living with me helps tremendously. May your new year be filled with happiness!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand what you are saying here. My Mum died on 12 December I have let go on one level in terms of accepting it now. I know I will miss her for the rest of my life but it wont always be present in my mind. Maybe part of letting go means that we dont think as much of it as time passes.

    Liked by 1 person

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