After an eight year gap I’ve been going to the gym again now for a couple of months. Here are the three things I’ve learnt.

1. It is perfectly acceptable to coordinate your clothes so that they match the gym equipment.

Yes, that’s me wearing black shorts and a blue top which just happen to be the exact same colours as the elliptical cross trainer machine. It was like camouflage; did anyone actually see me? I doubt it.

2. Don’t panic when the fire alarm goes off while you’re in the shower.

Yes, this really happened. I was just stepping out of the shower when the fire alarm went off.

I didn’t know whether to run naked outside to save my life, or to risk death by getting dressed first.

In the locker room the other guy and I glanced at each other and he said “let’s put our pants on first”.

No sooner had those words been uttered than the alarm stopped.

False alarm. Phew.

3. Headphones are part of the gym uniform.

Everyone wears headphones in the gym these days. Frankly I’d feel naked without them.

So, these are my gym top tips so far:

• coordinate your clothes
• ignore the fire alarm
• wear headphones.

Follow these rules and you’ll be fine!